im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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