The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
