I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
a search helicopter?!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
