Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
