Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
