He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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