wat bout pragnant strippers??
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
