so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
