Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
