So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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