Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
