I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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