She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
