Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
