I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
pop tarts are not kleenex
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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