see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
