I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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