hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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