I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
