My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
