Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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