You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
