thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
