My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
