Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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