my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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