I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
