im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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