Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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