We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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