I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Blood and glitter go together right?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
