We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I touched a dick in church today
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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