watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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