Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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