Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
