I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
