he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
