eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
