totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
