Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
