My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
