Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
