Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
