singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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