your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
