i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
