Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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