Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
