Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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