GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
