Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
