My hand turned me down
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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