Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
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Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
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I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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