If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
