Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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