If i come over, it means nothing
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
