I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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