the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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