and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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