All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
NoShamevember. You game?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
