as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
